If your teen has a camera phone and you want to check on them, call & ask them to take pictures of who they are with *right then* and send them to you. only if you have a teenager can you imagine the consternation that greeted this idea. Hee Hee Hee.
Cell phone companies love camera phones. But many places I go (and probably many of you readers) don’t let you carry cameras. Some of the Courts I appear in check and prohibit cameras and camera phones under any and all circumstances. So I need a phone without a camera built in. Just try and get one. Specifically, try and order a PalmOne Treo without a camera. It’s almost impossible. Now, this is *not* PalmOne’s fault–they offer the Treo models without cameras, but the cell phone companies either don’t tell their people about this or they don’t want to sell you one. So if you want a multi-purpose phone without a camera it’s a hassle–you need to ask for a supervisor and then special order one. Pfui!
Did you know that new cell phones use GSM technology? Yes, they do. That let’s the police track you through your cell phone. This has been useful to several people in my metropolitan area over the past year or so when they were carjacked and stuffed in the trunk. They contacted the police to report the situation and the police tracked them. I understand the technology is so good they can trace you to within about 2-3 meters (6-10 feet). Interesting no?
An issue came up on another listserve I hang out at. The issue was what to do to protect a 6 year old girl who was subjected to “sexual harassment” [sic] when two older boys came up to her on the playground at school and pulled down her pants and underwear. (I would call it an “attack” but that’s another rant.) As presented on the list, when the parents complained the school took no immediate action; rather, the administration told her that they would have to “discuss” the matter “to determine an acceptable course of action.” Worse still, then next day all three children were place on the same bus to go on a field trip and, when Mom complained, the principal said that he didn’t think that it was a problem to put the two boys and her daughter together on the same bus.
I am (still) outraged by this school’s behavior. My advice on the list is below:
[You] need to act now, not later. Among other things (and the advice to date is pretty good in my judgment) she needs to a) make it clear to her daughter that *she* did nothing wrong; b) make it clear to her daughter that Mom & Dad will support her through thick & thin; c) make it clear to the school that these “older” boys cannot be allowed within 30 feet of the little girl, d) make it clear to the school that, principles or not, actions have consequences and that you WILL NOT permit the school to teach your friend’s daughter that she must permit herself to be abused and/or raped; e) make it clear to these “older” boys that putting hands on someone else without a clear invitation is NOT allowed and WILL have consequences and f) make it clear to the parents of these “older” boys that their Little Darlings are in Deep DOO-DOO both civilly and at the school.
To achieve these objectives I would a) take the girl with me to see the school principal and make it clear during that trip that I expect the school to support my child over these “older” boys; b) explicitly tell the school that they have No Time Left to make a decision about what the punishment will be for the “older” boys; c) tell them that if the punishment is unsatisfactory to you *and* your friend’s daughter you will take additional steps possibly including criminal charges and a civil lawsuit against the school for permitting this sort of behavior; and d) contact the parents of these two Little Darlings to tell them what is expected as well. This is what I did when *7* boys attacked my 4th grader a few years ago. There were some very upset people but she got a public apology from the boys and they were punished by the school (after I explained what the press release accompanying the lawsuit would look like). One of the parents gave me an attitude but got over it when I told them that if they persisted I would file charges with Child Protective Services that they were teaching their little boy to be a rapist.
Other suggestions from listerve members I thought were worthwhile were: a) to contact the Department of Child Protective Services (or the equivalent) and b) as part of contacting the parents a letter from a lawyer demanding insurance information preparatory to filing a lawsuit.
Finally, (and what has set me off *again*) some people counseled care: this approach is sure to anger the school and alienate the parents of the Little Darlings. The comment was made that, in a small town, you might expect to be attacked as a troublemaker by the parents and the school. To these people I say this: Do you *WANT* to teach this little girl that the rich and powerful or the bullies can do whatever they want to her? Do you*WANT* to teach her that her parents cannot protect her? How could you look at yourself in the mirror after doing that? Pfui!
Have you ever had the experience of being trapped by a bore at a party? Or maybe, if you go dancing alone, find yourself stuck with an unwanted partner? Or needed to communicate that you were having a problem without making a scene? Or wanted to check on your children without embarrassing them? Try pre-arranged hand signs or signals. It doesn’t matter what they are as long as they cannot be mistaken for something else: An open hand, fingers splayed wide, could be “come talk to me”; 2 fingers pointed to the side could ask “Are you OK?” etc. Again, your imagination is the only limit.
When my girls were little we had over 20 different signs so we could talk at a distance without embarrassment. And we practiced them over and over. It was a game, one they enjoyed. Because we had our private language. They even enjoyed creating new signs and confounding Dad. But when we needed it, when they were worried about something on the playground, they could signal me. My ex-wife and I also knew and used the signals. Try it. It’s fun, the kids will love it, and one day you may need it.
Establish a code word you and your family (including the children) can use to ask for help (like “come get me”). These code words should sound normal but be “different”. For example, a child could tell his dad that Billy is really “sweet” to indicate that Billy is actually bullying the child. Or you could ask your spouse to get some wine on the way home from work to indicate that there is a problem at home or that you’ve been carjacked or whatever. Only your imagination should limit you. But, again, these code words should be practiced and reviewed to be sure you don’t forget them.
By the way, if you are working with children, get them involved by asking them to help choose the code words. They are less likely to forget the words and they are less likely to misuse the words is they are part of the solution. (I will leave the appropriate punishment for misusing the code words up to the imagination of the parents. You don’t ask me and I won’t tell either. ;-} )
Establish a code word to be used if a stranger picks your children up from school or friend’s house. Many people recommend this but almost nobody does it. Worse still, nobody checks with their children to see if they remember the code word. Check, drill, check again. Make it a game. Let the kids use it against you. Whatever it takes. Also, if you have (as I do) an emergency substitute you can send to pick up the kids, be sure they know the code word too. If you are divorced or separated and have custody issues this is a good technique to use, with some modifications to fit the situation.
You might be wondering about this blog’s name: “Qui Custodes” It came to me when I was thinking about lawyers, and who we are: guardians of the peace and protectors of our clients. But we are threatened regularly by people we have offended or annoyed. So who will protect or guard us? The Answer: we have to do it ourselves. Then I remembered that there was a Latin epigram which translated, more or less, to “Who will guard the guardians”. Well, a little research and some help from my better educated friends tracked it down: “Qui custodes custodies” or “Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes” attributed to Juvenal’s Satires. So, Qui Custodes became its name. I hope what you see on this blog will provide information and discussion about personal protection issues, methods and techniques and you can use. To do this best, your feedback is essential. I look forward to hearing from you.
My first series of posts are going to deal with lifestyle choices and family members. They were originally created for parents to use with their children but I believe that these steps should be generalized to all family members.
Tip 1: Make sure you know where your family is are at all times.
I started doing this as a kid myself. I didn’t grow up in the US (I grew up in Central America) and one day we were caught up in a Revolution. My father was at work, my mother was at home, I was at school and my younger brother was — we didn’t know where he was. We found him after a *long* time searching and after that we always made sure we all knew where the other family members were. I hope this doesn’t sound over-dramatic but with 911, carjackings, and other weird stuff going on, making sure that your family knows your schedule is only sensible.
Generally, I started doing this with my girls from the time they could walk. When they were outside, if they wanted to go from my front yard to a neighbor’s yard, they had to come in and tell me. If they wanted to go visit a friend in their home, they had to come in and tell me. By the time they got to be teenagers (now 18 and 13) it’s a habit: they tell me where they are going. If they are with friends and are going from 1 friend’s house to another, they let me know. If they are “malling” they tell me which mall. When I was married we used to do the same. I’ld tell my wife where I was going and she would do the same. When I got there, I’ld let her know and she would do the same. Sounds over-bearing and controlling? I hope not. But when 9/11 struck, we *knew* where we were and so did the kids. The same goes for the kids. When my older daughter was rear-ended in a traffic collision, and shaken up, I knew the route she was on and knew how to get there quickly when she called. The same situation occurred when her car broke down. By the way, don’t accept “I’ll be at the Starbucks.” I made that mistake and then found out that there were *3* Starbucks in the area and I went to the wrong one! Oops!
